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| "Happiness depends upon ourselves." |
The taste of the salty sliced frozen Chesdale cheese is still tingling upon my tongue - it was just too salty. I was taking a lot of time to think about what idea will pop out from my brain to this utterly nonsense blog - and there was a lot of abstract visualisations yet it would be disappearing, gone as I am approaching to the desk where the computer is located. Then, once I had managed to keep all the conceptions as I was sitting in front of the desktop, viola! There was no internet connection at all - so bye-bye ideas.
I thought if I kept encouraging myself towards positiveness, being optimistic - by reading peace quotes, books it would be helping me to appreciate myself, to what Allah has given to me. I kept holding on to this saying; "Count your blessings" nonetheless, it never heal my broken heart though. At some point, I would be thinking that; "Wouldn't it be nice, if I was dead, drowning in the pool in the last decade ago." and et cetera. All of such dark thinkings were eating me outside in, and I do not know when would it be the time for the breaking point - I am fearing the day that it will be coming. I just want to be happy, to be appreciated, to be loved by people around me; not to be insulted, taunted, and attacking my mentality.
Psychologically, I was being bullied - people are judging me and the bad news is, I am seeing myself through the eyes of the people that is why I am feeling insecure all the time; sensing that people teasing my behaviours, looks, my characteristics and worst, my parents often yelling at me at home like I was such inhumane - at that moment I was feeling that everyone hated me, they want me to be banished from this world, meantime I thought I need some freedom, and to learn to appreciate everyone instead of seeking their values in negativeness.
On top of all, I think I need help, but I just do not know how to ask help. Please! HELP ME!
