Today. (7/16/2015)
I have a lot of things to say, to write, to express all of my feelings which had been lingering for months, yet when it comes to really unequivocally state what my emotions are all these time - I froze, I just cannot, I feel like I am unable to do it.
I am currently enrolling in an international school somewhere far from home, studying Advanced Levels for 24 months, as a scholarship student. In short, that place is suck, the people there are suck. Well, it is not that they are pathetic but I feel like I am the most pathetic and flailing as always.
I think I am destined to be a misfit forever and everywhere, and I am not even joking. It makes me laugh when someone who is quite an extrovert, saying that she is feeling that she is not blending well with the other students - dude, seriously?
It is getting more difficult for me to write anything since I feel like a trapped rat, to be exact like a mouse which has been trapped in the rat's trap. I feel like drowning sometimes, I feel like I want to jump off from the 30th floor from my condominium where I am staying - and while I was midair, I probably would think about the stupid decisions I had made. I feel like I should not even exist at all, I feel like a nuisance - I do not know why. I am really tired to keep lying to myself, to put on a facade that I do not even give a single strand of hair about people around me. I am all worn out to hate people I should not have. I am exhausted with all conniving and tricky people around me. Can I just say that I am giving up on life?
A friend of mine in my new school had remarked that I looked like a person who did not have any problems at all - am I really that good in acting? Maybe that is why, I am really good in acting. I know the true nature of people, I do not know if I am a perfectionist, maybe that is why, I will never ever go along with people around me.
To be frank, I am tired to tell myself that I am not jealous, not having a green eye, so dead beat to keep telling myself over and over again, that suicide is not a right thing, as well as homicide. I am really scared that one day, I will not be strong enough anymore to hold all of these burdens by myself - and I will just explode, like a supernova. What if, I am becoming a black hole instead? Both revelations are frightening me.
You know what I feel like I am right now?
I feel like I am a dying star.
