- Talk about months,
- Distorted sense of time,
- Vulnerability in an open space,
- Dry throats, tightening chest, harder to breathe.
- The branding of one's self
- To become a better person than yesterday.
- Redefining purpose, trying to search for the ultimate meaning in life.
I am hesitant to write, as of right now, I feel like my writing capability has degraded over time. It is perplexing, but in the perspective of my 'current' self, I view my past selves as better writers. This maybe coincided with my habit of writing journals on a daily basis a few months ago. Yet, I had slowly ditched my habit as I could not bring myself to write anything private in my journal. Perhaps, one of the reasons was I was just lazy. Or, I was being uncomfortable writing in a space without any privacy. I need somewhere privy to write, as the location of where I write would always influence the mood and the connotation of my texts. This is the time. I need to stop making excuses for my own unacceptable behaviours. To stop from rationalising myself, when now it has become an unconscious and autonomous choice for me to enable inexcusable habits.
I am all talk but no action. Nonetheless, I realised that I am not always going to be like this. Slowly, I am taking action, little by little, step by step. It is a long process, but I know I will get there. My biggest mistake was to jump straight ahead into the cold deep water without any preparation. How can someone be so rash just like me? Simple, just be unorganised, and procrastinate all time and all day. But, I am going to change this situation of mine. Like I said, little by little.
I know my words are currently unrefined but blast it. Alas, I am just going to write whatever comes across to mind, without any care for the grammar and the punctuations. Bless Grammarly for correcting every single sentence that I had written here.
So, let us talk about how my life has been going on these past few months. To be exact four months. I would focus on the negative things first, then all the good things that had happened. The realisation hit me that I kept on highlighting all the bad things in my life rather than the neutral and the good things. I will simplify it in the following list (I put the counterarguments [CA] for the negative part).
Negative stuff:
1) Loneliness - the sense of isolation from my peers. I miss hanging out with friends. The feeling was exacerbated when most people in my social circle were showing on social media that they were hanging out with other people.
2) Being single - same with loneliness. There were days when I craved a companion, a significant other. Thinking, it would be great to have someone whom you could love with your whole heart. This feeling rose due to a lot of my peers now being either married or engaged. It made me feel like I am going to be single forever, without ever finding my 'soulmate'. The thoughts of using dating apps had crossed my mind multiple times, and I did set up a Hinge account a few weeks ago but there was no hope in that app. The choice was limited when in Malaysia compared to Australia.
[CA]
I thought of lumping these two points together, as somehow it correlates to each other. After all, I identified them as being lonely. My mind was so focused on the fact that I did not hang out with people as much as I did, and that I did not see anyone that much to the point where I felt like I was drowning in the misery. I would say that this was a self-inflicted pain. After all, I was never truly lonely. My friends were just one call away, but I was so engrossed in my thoughts, and I was not feeling comfortable bothering them with what I was going through. To add, I am not living by myself, I am staying with my family. Life is definitely better with them, although they can get annoying sometimes, I still appreciate them. I will do anything for them. I care for them.
3) Not having a job - I was not proactive in seeking employment in the past few months. I had just received my transcript on the 18th of May, and had just finally updated my resume a few days ago, and applied to two jobs on a whim, uploaded my application to work as a civil servant today. While doing all this stuff, it hit me that - what was I doing all this time? Life is scary. It happens without even me knowing it. My sense of time is greatly deformed, where I feel everything went as fast as the speed of light. I feel I am wasting a lot of opportunities and that I am way behind everyone else.
[CA]
A comforting thought to myself was that I had finally taken some action to my inactivity. I will keep on trying. But, I think finally, I am starting to realise what I actually want in life. What I am currently doing right now is just a formality of life. The conventional route for an average person in life. It does not mean that I am not going to have fulfilment in life. I will. I am in the process of figuring my life out, it is still not definite. But, I want to make what I have been imagining in my life be something concrete. Yes, there were dissatisfactions in my life, but life is better than it was before. I believe that everything will be okay. I will grow as a better person. I do not want to be stuck in a rut where every single quarter of the year I will make a long post like this just to condemn every aspect of my life. The more that I write this, the more that I realised how lucky and privileged I am. I have had all the time to myself for the past few months, to relax, laze around, and redefine my purpose in life. Finding a job for me is just secondary. I am content with what I currently have right now. I am blessed. Blessed with a roof over my head, a caring family, being fed enough... The time was not fully wasted, I am glad that I spent some time reading books and poetries, though some of the days I would be too preoccupied with useless kinds of stuff such as playing mobile games (Genshin Impact, Wild Rift), browsing Shopee (to waste my money time), involving myself with stupid things on Twitter. Well, at least I watched T.V. series (like anime, drama, etc) for a healthy amount of time and I rarely used social media (other than Twitter) these days.
Positive experiences:
1) Staying with my family, a roof overhead, well-fed, good relationship with my family members.
2) Reading good books and poetry (list of books that I have read can be found on Goodreads (Annysse Sophiellea - Petaling Jaya, 12, Malaysia (84 books) (goodreads.com))
My favourite titles that I have read so far this year are:
1) Mother of Learning
2) Crying in H Mart
3) Questions for Ada
4) They both die at the end
5) The Comfort Book
6) Shoko's Smile
7) Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less
8) Man's Search for Meaning
9) The Diary of a Young Girl
3) Went for a fireflies sighting, and watched the sunset on a boat with my family. It was surreal and breathtaking! I hope to be able to do it again.
4) Watching a lot of good videos on YouTube [mostly on slow living, self-help, social commentary]
My favourite YouTube channels are:
1) Alice Cappelle
2) Malama Life
3) Lana Blakely
4) Mina Le
5) All the little things in life that happened.
I had been writing this for more than an hour and maybe just maybe this is the longest post that I had written so far. A reflection of the life of idleness for four months, and I meant to write longer but my shoulder and my back are hurting me. It is a quarter to five in the evening and I plan to go out to cycle around if it is no longer raining. I promise that I will write more, maybe not just here but in my journal. Let us see that one day I will post my silly poems here.
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