Okay, this time I am going to be little bit oblivious and a little tad transparent about how I am feeling lately. I am not so sure if I am elated or what somehow depress, if I am depressed, maybe it is because of my ineptness in making contact with any humans except with my parents, siblings and my neighbours, well a bit. I feel like I am an automaton and I just cannot comprehend why I cannot be like anybody else - well I have this feeling that my sister is having the same antisocial gene as mine. I cannot foresee myself as someone who is having a best friend, and I even have questioned myself - over and over again if I truly have somebody to be called as my friend. I do have friends, but they seem to be not my friends, if we are talking about Facebook friends, I have like thousands of them nevertheless I am just a nobody, a no one in the sea of their timelines. I never have hundreds 'likes' or even more than ten 'likes' for my posts - once again I feel like a lowlife braggadocio lonely person who deserves to be left alone. It is not that I am being an ingrate yet the thoughts of people around me who are apt to think me as a nauseating bitch, an advocate of haughtiness and pride, more likely to hurt me psychologically so much. I do not know why but I know that I am different from the others, I think it it the faulty of the alleles, mayhap a descending trait from my great-great-great-great-grandparents that only Allah knows.The good thing is, I can handle it, being ostracised and it is somehow peaceful and serene without a lot of attentions well most of the time it sucks, at school I emote as a loner, which is surprisingly unsurprising - feeling like I have a herpes or AIDS or HIV or something contagious but the reality is, I AM NOT.
One thing is sometimes I do swear, I mean swearing all those abusive and vulgar language. I got a lot of acquaintances in my school who do swear a lot than me but they seem to be have a lot of friends rather than me. I am someone who is rather to be professional, I guess, who does not really rely on those text messages and all that stupid messenger apps. I wish my life can be much more easier, but I know that this is my life, and there is no way I am getting help from people around me right NOW, maybe LATER? RIGHT? As long as I am feeling that I can handle this, I will be still sane. One of the person whom I really adore is my neighbour, she is one of the persons that I have known for a really long time, thank goodness, our friendship is still maintained though it is awkward and quirky sometimes. I love her so much, and I care her so much aside from my family of course since blood is thicker than water. Haha. I value our relationship as friends the most from any other people, she is like my heroine of my life, I trust her more than any friends I ever have and I just do not know why. I guess, maybe there is still hope for me to polish up my social skill before it is too late. Gosh, SPM is getting nearer, and I am not even ready yet, as usual, I always procrastinate.
Tomorrow, I will be going back to school. I need to seriously pack my things up and iron my clothes, so wish me luck so I can finish it all (including my homework) this night.
Au revoir, Assalamualaikum.
