It's all to convince me that I'll be better off,
So you go on and I'll be happier,
You go on and I'll be happier,
You go on, yeah, you go on,
You'll be gone and I'll be happier.
-A Fine Frenzy (Happier)
All those insecurity feeling is strangling me, it feels like it is going to kill me. Even though nobody is saying that I am ugly, fat, or a bitch. But, I can feel it. Last Friday, I had to recite a poem along with my friend, Ayu for Delegasi Marhajan that had came to my school. You know what hurts me a lot on that day was, everyone looked me like a whore or something like that. Everyone is praising Ayu, with saying that she was "Ayu, you are beautiful!", "Ayu! Good luck!", "Ayu, you are so gorgeous!", "Ayu, you are always the best!" and many more. I was feeling that I was not being appreciated by the people around me, was being ignore, like I was not even exist! Yeah, I was hurt a lot. I do not know what is my problem is with the people around me, I always wonder, why they are alienating me? Even in social networks like Facebook and Twitter, everything is just same like in the reality. I tried for a thousand times to escape from this problem, but I am hopeless, effortless, and also paralysed, I failed. I tried to make people see who am I really is, but they just ignoring me. At that time, I was feeling that dying was the only way out, but I tried to convince myself that escapism by dying was not really a good idea. I never thought about suicide, but I did thought about homicide. Maybe it was all about jealousy and the ego insides me.
Sometimes, I was thinking that why not Allah to let me die when I was drowning which I was 4 years old in that time. Why do Allah still keeping me alive until this moment, I myself, do not have any ideas about that. Only Allah knows right? I believe that what Allah plans for me is all for my goodness. I always hoping that Allah will guide me to his path. Amin. But, sometimes that feeling almost ruining my faith in life.
Do I sound like I really need help from someone? Maybe yes or perhaps not. To be frank, I can not really decide what is good for and the things that are bad for me. But, I really now that I have enough consciousness to differentiate between the positive and negative, yet, I realise that I do not have enough strength to resist lust inside of me, I am weak. I need aid, I crave for affection and love, from people around me, but the pride has overcame the real me, blinding people to see who am I really is. Once in a while, I attempted to alter my ego, yet I was backing the wrong horse again. I cannot help feeling that now, I am fake, I am not who am I really is. If you think who 'Nur Fatin Amira Binti Mohd Nor' really is, then tell me. Who she is, how she looks like. Is she annoys you a lot? Just be fair and square to me. Do not worry, I do not bite or kill people without any reasons. *Laugh Out Loud (Just Joking).
Thus, I really wish that you all will forgive me, if I had done something terrible to you or if I had accidentally badmouthed things about you. I am really sorry. And, I hope that may our life will be happier than ever.. Cheer my friends! And cheer to me too!
Assalamualaikum!
Sometimes, I was thinking that why not Allah to let me die when I was drowning which I was 4 years old in that time. Why do Allah still keeping me alive until this moment, I myself, do not have any ideas about that. Only Allah knows right? I believe that what Allah plans for me is all for my goodness. I always hoping that Allah will guide me to his path. Amin. But, sometimes that feeling almost ruining my faith in life.
Do I sound like I really need help from someone? Maybe yes or perhaps not. To be frank, I can not really decide what is good for and the things that are bad for me. But, I really now that I have enough consciousness to differentiate between the positive and negative, yet, I realise that I do not have enough strength to resist lust inside of me, I am weak. I need aid, I crave for affection and love, from people around me, but the pride has overcame the real me, blinding people to see who am I really is. Once in a while, I attempted to alter my ego, yet I was backing the wrong horse again. I cannot help feeling that now, I am fake, I am not who am I really is. If you think who 'Nur Fatin Amira Binti Mohd Nor' really is, then tell me. Who she is, how she looks like. Is she annoys you a lot? Just be fair and square to me. Do not worry, I do not bite or kill people without any reasons. *Laugh Out Loud (Just Joking).
Thus, I really wish that you all will forgive me, if I had done something terrible to you or if I had accidentally badmouthed things about you. I am really sorry. And, I hope that may our life will be happier than ever.. Cheer my friends! And cheer to me too!
Assalamualaikum!
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