Afterthought

"It's been a long time,
I know."

I am never good at this - what I mean is having commitment; being committed in doing something. After all, I had decided to abandon this blog [I am just going to write whenever I feel like I want to].
There were a lot of things that I had wanted to write { yet, all those ideas that had popped inside my little brain \\ were all to fade away from my mind's grasp - it was annoying, truly. Here, this particular writing + comes with weird symbols out of nowhere; just consider all of these things in this entire paragraph to be a part of -hyphen-

I am not going to hide or going roundabout, I feel like I am out of touch with the sense of reality. I do not know if this is due to the attribute of being an introverted human being - the fact that I would receive less than 5 personal and private messages from my contacts.

& This is my way to deal with emptiness. I felt, am feeling empty as of now. Today's my was-once-so-called-best-friends' birthday. Somehow I feel like what is the point of wishing those who did not even remember me anymore: maybe, this is one of the main reason why I had drifted from the relationships that I had built with the people that once I had known.

ADRIFt

That is nice.

I am just not good when it comes to maintain my relationship with others. I am not going to lie to myself anymore, I do not want to enforce this fake illusion of what I want myself to become.

Who am I?

Yes, the reason why I had changed this blog's name, because I wanted to remain undetected, to be remained as an anonymous ; although there were gazillions of hints sticking out in my past entries about me [about myself]. I am a hypocrite, I accept that. I refuse to be seen by other, but I yearn for attention. That is okay, my dear self. People, this is just a self-praising post. But, I beg you, I if you to read this.. Please do not look away... Let me know that I am not alone in this; in dealing with emptiness, broken relationships __ I am sorry people** I am just a girl who wanted to be loved, but had never received the same love from others. I am not a friendly person. I look down on others. I am a horrible person.

If I am to receive the chance to reset everything; I will not. Maybe the same thing will just going to repeat 'this' cycle of endless tail chase.

i. Remember, to let go of the past.
^^even when I keep on telling myself that I am not going to dwell in the old times; often, I would find myself to be caught in the decapitating web of the past. It is hard to describe, what kind of past I have - there was nothing sketchy, traumatic _ as, sadly it was just dull. Living in the dull moment.

ii. To deal with that hole in our hearts, we better fill it with creative talents.
^^Does this rings a bell? > most of the greatest ideas are born out of the unexpected. Yes, the unexpected will always be the saviour in the end of the day. Yet, not all are lucky enough to leave marks in this world. Most of us, will just become the unimportant cogs in the wheel, well, it seems like unimportant, bland, mundane, nothing short of the ordinary, only the top 1% gets the spotlight - it hurts. That's the reality. Nonetheless, everyone is special. You live your own life. Even when you suffered a great deal - you are still lucky, we are still lucky. Even when some met with an unfitting end, that is just the bigger thing.
^^^What makes this life beautiful - is not the way that we see it as a whole; but every little moments that we experienced, even just a glimmer off hope, that is what make this life to be worth it.

_______________________________________________________

iii. Reddit;
^^this is entirely unrelated, but I want to write about Reddit here. It seems like there is alot of witty people with witty comebacks/replies, my karma was depressingly low that I could not share/post anything in some of the subreddits. Making witty comebacks/replies was never my forte. Is there any way to polish that skill?

iv. anime & manga
^^most of the time, I would watch anime [to be exact I am watching Gintama though I am putting on hold due to... manga] Currently, I am reading Bleach (now I am reading the 380++ chapter *I do not really remember what chapter I am currently in*) If you ask me about these menial stuffs, I had probably could answer but not with such great details as I feel like I am quite shallow to be frank.

POEM +that does not make sense+

tired already
it's almost dinner time
i am going to cook some noodle
going to have 'soto' for dinner tonight.

later
some writings will pop out
whenever the soul feels to;

to ease that unrest
to quench that hollow
nestling deep inside
....

3/2/2017

Today I learned that some things are better the be kept hidden in secret from the knowledge of others. Our good intentions can be easily interpreted into something malicious by others - innocent people have to take the blame even when they are not the 'perpetrators' of such acts of treachery. Slander  -someone with a good reputation can be tarnished in a nick of time.

The photograph of the yellow flowers above has no relation with whatsoever had happened today. I thought that a little garnish once in a while, will not hurt anybody, is not it? I had done a slight revamp on this blog, particularly with the colour #e38080. Pink and its hues was never my favourite then, but now - a little touch of 'femininity' would not hurt, right? Well, perhaps I might as well turn this blog into a darker theme but I am not ready yet. 

To be honest, right now I am running low on money. :'( Yes, this is very sad indeed, right? I had just gotten to know last week that my allowance money will only be deposited as early on the 23rd of February - it seems like even this nation's budget is even tighter than before as I will only receive the allowance not in the usual six months lump sum for a semester but only for a total allowance of three months. The sorriest thing is that there is a probability that the January's allowance will not be counted in the next payment! Even when I am tight on money, I just could not resist myself to splurge the little change that I have in food. The difficulty level on trying to save your money on food and drinks is just in the entirely new level especially when you are trying to eat healthy meals! The cost of a healthier meal is just outrageously exorbitant which is in contrast with junk and processed food. At the moment, I am trying to cut off my carbohydrate and sugar intake as lots of problems which associated with diabetes had shown up recently. I get excessively thirsty nowadays, and my sleeps were just restless and the feeling of thirst had woken up me from sleep. I think I had already drank more than 3 litres in the past 4 hours but strangely I just could not quench my thirst! Hopefully that I will get a good rest tonight as I have to get up early tomorrow to do revision on Mathematics!
See Ya!

Thursday +Feb 2

When it comes to the introduction part in an essay, or even when it comes down to introduce myself to strangers, I am a total flake. Oh, and this is in actuality just another random entry of mine. My brain is going to explode, I can feel (metaphorically) it. I get stuffed easily to the point that I felt like I wanted to draw and colour my colouring book. Unfortunately, my colouring book was nowhere to be found, and I had to draw in lieu in such a manner of aesthetic was ignored. I have no artistic flair. My drawings were nothing short of mediocrity and grotesqueness. Every single time I drew for set up experiments in Chemistry and Physics A-Level Paper 5, my drawings looked like it was drawn by a 7 years old - no kidding.

I have not finish my revision on Chemistry for tomorrow's exam, and there is just a lot of things to by heart when you have so little time. This will serve as reminder to myself, never again, procrastinate and to work in the eleventh hour. You will reap what you have sown. Chemistry is not my strong forte and currently I am struggling with organic chemistry, especially the polymers. Well, physical chemistry has the same level difficulty as well. So, here, out of the blue, I am going to explain to you, people, about the acidity and basicity, hydrolysis of some of the organic compounds,. (The reason why I am doing this is just that I am too lazy to write on a piece of paper :P)

ClCH2COOH > CH2COOH > CH2OH
1>2>3

More acidic to the least
  • 1 (higher Ka value) due to the presence of CL (electron-withdrawing).
  • More stable. Does not form back to undissociate molecule.
  • 3 (lower Ka value) due to presence of OH (electron-donating)
  • Becomes more unstable. More like to form back with H+.

As for the rest, I have changed my mind, sorry! I am going to write in on my notebook first, then perhaps I will edit this post later on!

See Ya!





Regrets

When you are getting older, there are going to be loads of responsibility to be shouldered and of course, the more you lamented over the things you had done and never did. The thing is, that elephantine bulky thing that is going to befuddle your mind - the grievance over the things you had the chance to do, but you did not, then you did not have the means to do it anymore. Often, I would be feeling like I had messed up with my life, big time. I would yearn for a reset button to relive my life again.

I am going to be 20, soon. Nonetheless, I am unsure if I am 'adulting' right or not. In South Korea, this year, I am supposed to be 21, well, age is just a number, not a factor towards sagaciousness and wisdom. I still think that I am a little girl, but not that little, being independent in her own way. I am still that sensitive and insensitive girl who has her own roller-coaster of emotions. I am still that temperamental, awkward person when it comes to social interaction with another human beings. Strangely, I feel so old yet so young. A transition towards being a twenty-something person from something-teen person definitely a contradiction in my mind and feelings. Reality hits hard, it is difficult to accept that I have been walking on this Earth for almost two decades. It's crazy! Insane! I want to go back in time, just being a five years old me, or being a four years old. If some people identified themselves with different genders from what they were born with, then perhaps I have this (age) identity disorder where I think I am still someone who is a fourteen years old teenager when I am an adolescent in her late teen.

I had been up way past my usual sleeping time, I was supposed to sleep early as I am going to sit for pre-mock IELTS exam in the morning. However, reading through some of my old drafted and posted entries had made me insomniac. Somehow, I could feel myself in ablaze, fiery with passion to write again. Perhaps, I will write more often from now on. See ya!

It's rubbish anyway

It's already October. I was away for 5 months without any apparent reasons, I never feel the calling to write anything in this blog - like who cares, right? This is one of the saddest reality of our world, it is an innate characteristic that most of us may or not unaware of - selfishness. Also, most of us will pretend to care or really pay attention to something, however most of us a very short attentive span. At one time, we may care for someone, then next moment, we will just forget about that person in an entirety unless that person is someone whom we are closed to. Talking about selfishness, once, I asked a very good friend of mine, if she saw herself as a selfish person or not. She was one of the most neutral person ever I have met in my life, she is quite likeable. Nonetheless, there are times that she was an irksome to me. Sometimes, I would pretend to ignore her, to see how she would react, if she would think of me as one of her good friend as well, but, nah, I am just another name in her list of acquaintance or the very most, I am just her normal companion. I am a very temperamental person, I have drastic mood changes, from one time, I could be a mopey person, but then in the next moment, I would feel like I own this world - but I am not.

"Uranus (not her real name), do you think you are a selfish person?" I asked my friend.
"No." She answered.
Of course, she would deny that she is a self-centred person, and I had known that myself that she is never the one who would always put herself against another human being/living thing. However, I replied to her answer.
"If you are not a selfish person, why would you be here right now? Should not you do something else to help others? Don't you feel guilty with the privileges that you have right now? The fact that you are very much alive and well but some people out there are suffering, and all we can do is just to sympathise with them, and we all move on with our own lives. If someone is really an altruist, he/she would never think twice to even sacrifice his/her life for the good of the world."

We all need to be selfish, in fact, if we are not selfish, we will not be able to be born to this world.
This is the reason why - (READ THIS)! https://www.quora.com/What-is-the-evolutionary-benefit-or-purpose-of-having-periods

We are born selfish, but it does not mean that we can always be selfish. However, too much altruism is not good either. It will be perfect to have both characteristic where our selflessness overwhelm our egocentrism.

IT'S MAY

As usual, I would have a lot of things to say, to write, before I was going to eventually hit the keyboard. And as usual, I really would not have anything left to say when I was finally sitting in front of the desktop. Things were just mild during my brief hiatus - there is nothing worth mentioning for the moment.

It's already the 3rd of May, in less than a few hours it's going to be the 4th of May and I am going to sit for an exam that is going to decide my future - and I am not even ready. I am scared. The most important thing is that - tomorrow I am going to have Maths and Chemistry. I thought I would be prepared but it turns out I was/am dead wrong.

"AKU CUAK WEI" this is what Malay people would probably say if they are in my shoe.

I am so afraid that I am going to do my worst for tomorrow's papers. Those Maths and Chemistry papers carry an immensely heavy weightage of percentage, and now I have a lot of regrets already. I don't even know if my result will satisfy the cut-off points.

I want to do revision of chemistry and Maths but it seems that I have reached my limit and I am writing this to clear up my head.

:) You can do it myself, take a deep breath. Don't sweat it out.

NASI LEMAK IN ENGLISH

This feels like a joke, I took about 26% of my age figuring out the English translation for 'Nasi Lemak' - obviously, you just cannot translate it just like that or otherwise it will be 'fat rice'. How ridiculous is that?

Nasi Lemak is Nasi Lemak  (pronunciation: nah-see le-muhk)  in English because it is a special name, designated for our most cherished traditional breakfast menu here in Malaysia. The best way to  'translate' Nasi Lemak [nah-see le-muhk] from Malay to English or to any other languages is by describing the savoury delicious cuisine. Use your own imagination to describe how Nasi Lemak will stimulate your taste buds. I am a person who is lacking in her imagination - my fantasies is dearth in creativity. :P

Nonetheless, this is how I will describe Nasi Lemak taste like in my mouth;

Crunchy, spicy of the anchovy paste and the subtle heavenly sweet taste of coconut milk flavoured rice - the combination is just perfect. 
P/S: Lol, this is so ridiculous.

Okay, all said and done, I wish you luck in your English class and I hope that this entry answers your question to "What Nasi Lemak is called in English". ;)

"The Japanese say you have three faces." Is it true?

The first face, you show to the world.
The second face, you show to your close friends and family.
The third face, you never show anyone.
It is the truest reflection of who you are.


Maybe, it is? You only know yourself better than anybody else - your thoughts, weird fetishes (perhaps) and et cetera are all yours.

***

Love all trust none.

Love all, trust a few, Do wrong to none. Love all, trust a few, Do wrong to none. Love all, trust a few, Do wrong to none. Love all, trust a few, Do wrong to none. Love all, trust a few, Do wrong to none. Love all, trust a few, Do wrong to none.

 or 

 LOVE ALL TRUST NONE? 


Technically, you cannot love nor give your affection to everyone. Would you still love someone who had done wrong and immoral things? Would you still be able to pronounce your love to people who had committed atrocities all over the world? If you are able to love them - then, kudos! You are the most amazing person in this world (in terms of either it is a good thing or not, I am not in any position to judge such things.) As for me, I doubt that I would have the strength to love all since to love is to trust, right? What I see is that we love someone/something because we are expecting for some return - be it the love itself or the satisfaction from the love which we had given to. 

 To love is to trust. 
Not all deserve our love. 

Respect all, love the deserving ones, trust a few, do wrong to none.

How to not score in any exam/test.

1) Don't study
2) Keep the answer sheet blank
That's my advice.

Out of all times, I am feeling down for zero obvious reason and contemplating morbid things during mock exam.