I know it had been a long time since my previous post. I vaguely remembered that I did not want to write anything anymore in this blog, but somehow, today - I just have the urge of telling you. Telling the world, what had been going on with my life for the past few years. To sum up, all of my half of decade of experience in just one short post will be doing it dirty. There were so many memories, although right now - it felt painful. Yet, I will still be cherishing it - no matter how hard it was for me to swallow; the fact that it is all just in the past, and to cling to the past is not a good thing. To regret. To let go of all of my regrets.
I seemed to make a lot of mistakes, and it seemed like I kept on doing it all over again. Sometimes, I felt like I was stagnating, even trapped in the quicksand, slowly sinking - the more that I struggled, the harder it was to let myself go. Well, regarding the title of this post, I just did not know what should I write. It did not feel right just to let it be empty. Retrospectively, maybe I had grown up a little - and it was just I did not notice. Breaking out from your habits, especially the harmful and bad ones ain't easy. I am pretty sure, I am still a brooding person like I was an agonised teen, young adult, but now as someone who is in her mid-twenties.
Despondency was the main theme of my life. All this while, I had been waiting to grow out from this theme, mulling it out over, ruminating on the unhappiness - almost felt like I was sabotaging myself, well maybe I did. It was just I did not have the courage of accepting things that had been happening to me, and most of it - I was just in denial. At times, I felt like I was just faking out my symptoms, or just being an exaggeration, or maybe I was just romanticising the melancholia - but, even when I got my diagnosis, I still feel like I am faking it. Even now. It is truly an abhorrence, to feel this way. Maybe it was because - of my lack of sleep? My lack of physical exercise? But, this is exhausting. Maybe this is just a bad dream? One long nightmare, that I would never be able to wake up from, not until I expire.
Fuh, I realise that this post is really dark - and I am really sorry for it. Truth to be told, I just feel the desperation, the need, the outlet, to write all the things that I am feeling right now. I want to be proud of myself, even with all of the mistakes that I have made - I want to own it up. Before I forget. I do not know what is up with the other human beings. Yet, from my own experience, I will feel shitty, and feel extremely guilty right now - but then, the feeling will subside. Mood swings are something that is not foreign to me, and I have been managing it less than perfect but it was doable. I just want to be in a state where, I am at a sense of complete peace, being able to do the things that I am expected to do. Maybe, this is what they call impostor syndrome. Sometimes, I thought that the world will be less tolerable as I am getting older - but no. It feels like it is getting harsher, and I am drowning in it.
Maybe, it will just be better - if I did not exist in anybody's life. But, the shackles of my own existence, kept me alive. Feeling like I am a nobody, but I know that I am a somebody to someone, and it is a heavy burden to shoulder. I am a daughter, an older sister, a friend, to someone. I hate the fact that I have these connections because I hate the fact that I do not fit the mould of being good in these societal roles imposed on me. I cannot escape - from the guilt, and it has been tormenting me for so long. The feeling that I will never be good enough. Pardon me, in my self-deprecating post, as I am trying to navigate my way to inner peace.
Wishing that there will be no days anymore when my throat doesn't get really dried when I get stressed. When the feeling of inadequacy started to creep in - and tears started to choke me up, and I feel breathless. The drowning feeling, that I had to force myself to keep myself afloat. The inexplicable fear and panic start to flood my mind, but I know those feelings are real and valid, yet no reason for me to act on them.
I will stride forward, to heal myself - even if it is just going to take one step at a time.
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