In what ways have I changed? After all these years?
Well, now there are two questions. In a clear cut, countless self-doubts are embedded in me, and I just do not know how to get rid of them. Perhaps, I am coping in a better way than I did before - or maybe, it was just upon innumerable repeats of the same thing, I had become a regressor in a sense but each time - I grew number. Does that make sense to you?
Well, now there are two questions. In a clear cut, countless self-doubts are embedded in me, and I just do not know how to get rid of them. Perhaps, I am coping in a better way than I did before - or maybe, it was just upon innumerable repeats of the same thing, I had become a regressor in a sense but each time - I grew number. Does that make sense to you?
If you are reading my writings - all of them were just raw and honest. Almost felt like I am a master of impromptu and unpreparedness, yet deep down inside - I know I am just winging it. I am just winging in life, doing as I please - ironically, I am still unhappy. Unhappy is such a heavy word to use, the correct word shall be - ungrateful.
Gratitude.
I stare at my screen, for a long time, before actually hitting my keyboard as I was hesitant. Is gratuity is the ultimate panacea for me? If the solution is that simple, people would not go as far to post up memes related to such things with the #thanksimcured. Apparently, it can help to a certain degree. Alas, I am yet an imperfect human being who keeps on making excuses for herself, too afraid to break out from her comfort zone. My biggest fear is that - I am still juvenile with my behaviours and attitude. That I am too clouded with my own bias to the world, that I am rejecting everyone. Everything.
What a murky subject this is.
I am at loss - of what I should be doing. A trope that is like music playing on a broken cassette again and again. At 9, I felt I was so ugly, but at the same time, feeling all so special - that I was special from any other kids. Even younger than that, I realised that I could not actually form any real connections with the other kids, whom I should call friends. Just to sum it up, I was a lonely child. Insecurities filled me up since I was young - moulding me into the person I am right now. Maybe, living with my younger cousin, whose age will be 10 this year - seeing how she acts, reminded me of my childhood. Unconsciously, I started to compare her and my younger self. It struck me that, I might reach emotional maturity earlier than her - perhaps the sense of responsibility instilled in me as the eldest had made me act like I was a grown-up. Well, I deemed that I was mature enough, but I had only realised that it was not the case.
I am at loss - of what I should be doing. A trope that is like music playing on a broken cassette again and again. At 9, I felt I was so ugly, but at the same time, feeling all so special - that I was special from any other kids. Even younger than that, I realised that I could not actually form any real connections with the other kids, whom I should call friends. Just to sum it up, I was a lonely child. Insecurities filled me up since I was young - moulding me into the person I am right now. Maybe, living with my younger cousin, whose age will be 10 this year - seeing how she acts, reminded me of my childhood. Unconsciously, I started to compare her and my younger self. It struck me that, I might reach emotional maturity earlier than her - perhaps the sense of responsibility instilled in me as the eldest had made me act like I was a grown-up. Well, I deemed that I was mature enough, but I had only realised that it was not the case.
I am still figuring things out, in the process, I neglected everything. I realised I am selfish, irresponsible - but it is definitely the time for me to own my mistakes. It is time to shoulder my responsibility. I have run away, for so long - only to keep on pinning my past and people around me for my flaws. Heh, I could not believe myself, that I was trying to make my past the scapegoat as I was writing this, that I was trying to rationalise my own incompetency just because I was so afraid to be a failure. I am quick to give up, rather than resist and put some effort - and I hate this mental prison. This time around, I will swallow the pill no matter how thorny and bitter it is - to the point that I will probably gag. I will tell myself - to never give up. Yes, I am still feeling lonely, but it is nothing but just a feeling. I still have people around me, and I am grateful for it. This feeling of detachment - seemed like it was permanent but yet just something temporary.
I am not a kind, pure, innocent soul. At times, I really feel like I belong to hell because there is no way that there will be a spot for me in heaven. Yet, I will resist.
I realised - maybe I changed a bit. I used to look for a place where I could belong because I would never fit in anywhere. That was why I was so lonely. Maybe, home is not too far from me. I accept myself for who I am, and that sense of belonging should come from within.
Hugs to my past selves.
I love you.
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