"It's been a long time,
I know."

I am never good at this - what I mean is having commitment; being committed in doing something. After all, I had decided to abandon this blog [I am just going to write whenever I feel like I want to].
There were a lot of things that I had wanted to write { yet, all those ideas that had popped inside my little brain \\ were all to fade away from my mind's grasp - it was annoying, truly. Here, this particular writing + comes with weird symbols out of nowhere; just consider all of these things in this entire paragraph to be a part of -hyphen-

I am not going to hide or going roundabout, I feel like I am out of touch with the sense of reality. I do not know if this is due to the attribute of being an introverted human being - the fact that I would receive less than 5 personal and private messages from my contacts.

& This is my way to deal with emptiness. I felt, am feeling empty as of now. Today's my was-once-so-called-best-friends' birthday. Somehow I feel like what is the point of wishing those who did not even remember me anymore: maybe, this is one of the main reason why I had drifted from the relationships that I had built with the people that once I had known.


That is nice.

I am just not good when it comes to maintain my relationship with others. I am not going to lie to myself anymore, I do not want to enforce this fake illusion of what I want myself to become.

Who am I?

Yes, the reason why I had changed this blog's name, because I wanted to remain undetected, to be remained as an anonymous ; although there were gazillions of hints sticking out in my past entries about me [about myself]. I am a hypocrite, I accept that. I refuse to be seen by other, but I yearn for attention. That is okay, my dear self. People, this is just a self-praising post. But, I beg you, I if you to read this.. Please do not look away... Let me know that I am not alone in this; in dealing with emptiness, broken relationships __ I am sorry people** I am just a girl who wanted to be loved, but had never received the same love from others. I am not a friendly person. I look down on others. I am a horrible person.

If I am to receive the chance to reset everything; I will not. Maybe the same thing will just going to repeat 'this' cycle of endless tail chase.

i. Remember, to let go of the past.
^^even when I keep on telling myself that I am not going to dwell in the old times; often, I would find myself to be caught in the decapitating web of the past. It is hard to describe, what kind of past I have - there was nothing sketchy, traumatic _ as, sadly it was just dull. Living in the dull moment.

ii. To deal with that hole in our hearts, we better fill it with creative talents.
^^Does this rings a bell? > most of the greatest ideas are born out of the unexpected. Yes, the unexpected will always be the saviour in the end of the day. Yet, not all are lucky enough to leave marks in this world. Most of us, will just become the unimportant cogs in the wheel, well, it seems like unimportant, bland, mundane, nothing short of the ordinary, only the top 1% gets the spotlight - it hurts. That's the reality. Nonetheless, everyone is special. You live your own life. Even when you suffered a great deal - you are still lucky, we are still lucky. Even when some met with an unfitting end, that is just the bigger thing.
^^^What makes this life beautiful - is not the way that we see it as a whole; but every little moments that we experienced, even just a glimmer off hope, that is what make this life to be worth it.


iii. Reddit;
^^this is entirely unrelated, but I want to write about Reddit here. It seems like there is alot of witty people with witty comebacks/replies, my karma was depressingly low that I could not share/post anything in some of the subreddits. Making witty comebacks/replies was never my forte. Is there any way to polish that skill?

iv. anime & manga
^^most of the time, I would watch anime [to be exact I am watching Gintama though I am putting on hold due to... manga] Currently, I am reading Bleach (now I am reading the 380++ chapter *I do not really remember what chapter I am currently in*) If you ask me about these menial stuffs, I had probably could answer but not with such great details as I feel like I am quite shallow to be frank.

POEM +that does not make sense+

tired already
it's almost dinner time
i am going to cook some noodle
going to have 'soto' for dinner tonight.

some writings will pop out
whenever the soul feels to;

to ease that unrest
to quench that hollow
nestling deep inside

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