Deep inside of my blackened heart


It feels a little a bit awkward to write anything here, in my blog. It had been a very long time, right? Everything that revolves around me has given me a vibe of murkiness and delicateness. I have given my best to fight off all those overwhelming anguish and vexation inside of me, well to be frank I think that I am a little bit psychotic and crazy, sometimes. I am so embarrassed with myself - then and now. I am super disappointed with myself. I do not know what was on my mind then, but the thing was - I was definitely a total cretin. I was such an ingrate, living in my own ecstasy, pushing everyone near to me, acting as nonchalant as possible - yes, I was and am a bitch. I feel sorry to those whom I had pushed away. I tried my best shot to be distinguished, and here I am, still being so typical and ignored. But, that is fine, I do not really mind to be ostracised by them - people. I know that I am a lazy ass who cannot do things right. I know that I am not a good daughter, sister, granddaughter, friend, and so on. I am fully aware that there are voices which are badmouthing about me, I tried to be helpful yet at the end of the day it turned out that I was just useless, receiving contempt looks and battling the scornful thoughts clouding my judgement and my mind. I firmly believe that I am still sane, and everyone is insane or it is the other way round. Time by time, all those dark feelings, had seeped and fused into me - that I felt like I was hopeless. I could not help but not to accept anyone to be near to my heart, to fully acquaint with whom I really am. The school days had already been a past for me, I had a brief but a profound friendship with those whom I had called friends. I really wished that I could talk to them like in school but I know that I cannot. I know that they will soon forget all about me. I try my best to stay away from them as possible. I do not want to have any contact with them, I just wish that I am in another country or place of where no one can recognise me at all. I really want to start afresh a new life and keep moving on without stumbling with anyone I had met or anyone who had known me except for my closest relatives and family. I want them to forget me so badly, and I do not even know why. I guess, I am already mentally messed up, but I know that that I am not depressed or what, I know that deep inside of me, I crave attention but I tried to deny it. Ergo, I confine myself in an invisible box. I do not know when I am going to step out from this reality that I strongly believe in, but maybe one day? When I am ready to accept all the mortifications and torments that I had caused. I just can keep hoping and wishing, but one thing for sure, a very dear friend of mine had told me once just a few days before school was over, that I was really random, I guessed that she had almost to know me by heart, but I was the one who was having brusque attitude toward her, I pray that she will have a very decent life until the end - and not to have to meet someone like me, ever again. Maybe I would do something which is the impossible and who would have known right?

Sorry, for spouting such nonsense but I could not help but to feel better when I write.