Haze -2015-

I am not going to talk all  about haze, but I am just going to spout off some random stuffs that has been lingering in my mind for now before I have a change of heart and just dismiss my inklings as stupid nonsense. However, the haze is the worst yet that my country is facing and it is irrefutably annoying. What can I do? As a powerless citizen of Malaysia, I cannot do nothing but just to sit still in my very own place and from my phone's screen, I can only sympathize when children (babies especially) dying from pneumonia in Indonesia - the reason of why these deadly nano particles are in our air. 

It has been almost 5 years since I had started to blog, and 4 years had already passed since the very first entry which I had written in this blog. I had just began to read all my previous posts and I feel ashamed and mortified with all of it. I had been thinking for a very long time, this paranoiac side of me - keep pressing me over and over again to delete all the traces about me on the internet, but I just do not have the right amount of strength to do it. There are a lot of questions that keep matter become more trivial than it seems and I cannot stop being more curious than ever. The 'what ifs' are something that I cannot escape from - this curious side of mine is (literally) killing me. 

I have always wanted to write the real reason why I started to write and to blog in the first place, but there would be always something holding me back. Yet, due to my impulsiveness - I decide that I will write the truth. So, here is the truth, people. I blog because I want to become popular. I write so that I will become famous, gain renown, and so on. Nonetheless, all of my efforts had gone naught because I was so stupid and immature back then. Now, everything does not really matter to me, in fact, I would really love to be invisible. Yet, in the meantime, I would like at least someone, somewhere in this vast world to notice my blog. If you (to someone out there) are reading my blog, thank you so much for spending your time to read through all my puerile oeuvres (as if). If all of my posts can help to lift up your mood, or maybe can help you in some extent, I will be really glad. I just want you to know that all of my complaints could not possibly amount to the suffering of some people in this world. It is undeniably that I am one of the luckiest persons on Earth yet I had failed to notice it due to my idiotic whims and egocentrism (also narcissism). 

I just want to be a better person - that was all I supposed eagerly seek for. Greed and lusts had overtaken me - I was stupid and an ingrate. Until now, I am just a coward girl, who coerced herself to not trust others and so on, and frightened that things that are dear to her will be taken away. Somehow, sometimes, I just want to stop being a human, not knowing on how to feel sad and so on on the cost of being sort some of monster. If I am not who I am right now, I would probably have become a serial killer or something else that is really evil, a psychopath or whatever it is - yet, I am not such kind of a beast. Perhaps, I had watched, played, read a lot of dense things that those things are influencing and clouding my judgments and so on. In short, why I was/am so vapid?