On The Precipice Of 26: Reflections

I awoke feeling like a stranger in my own body, as if the number 26 belonged to someone else entirely. Perhaps it's the weight of expectation, the pressure to reach some sort of arbitrary milestone. Or maybe it's the sense that I haven't quite found my footing in this world yet. Whatever the reason, I can't shake off this melancholy.

It's my birthday today, and not a single "Happy Birthday" has graced my ears. It's not that I expected it, but it's hard not to feel a pang of disappointment. I thought maybe, just maybe, someone would take a moment out of their day to acknowledge my existence. Alas, it seems that today is just like any other day, filled with mundane tasks and unremarkable moments.

I've always made a point of cherishing my birthdays, turning them into a magical affair. But this year, just as the same as any other yea - it always feels like there's something missing. Perhaps it's the absence of the people I love, the ones who make life worth living. Or maybe it's the sense that I've lost touch with what truly matters. Yet, I know that there people whom I cherish so much are around me.

It's strange how a simple lack of attention can make you feel invisible, as if you're not really there. But maybe that's just how life is. People forget, they get busy, they move on. It doesn't mean that they don't care, just that they have their own lives to live.

Nonetheless, I've come to realize that age is just a number, a meaningless label that we attach to ourselves. What truly matters is how we feel inside, the person we are at our core. And if that person doesn't quite match up with our age, then so be it. We're all just trying to find our place in this world, trying to make sense of it all.

So, instead of dwelling on my age, I'm going to focus on the things that bring me joy. I'm going to embrace my quirks and oddities, the things that make me who I am. I'm going to be open to new experiences, to new ways of thinking. And most importantly, I'm going to be my own best friend, my own biggest supporter.

As I reflect on my 26 years of life, I want to share some of the lessons I've learned along the way:

1. Embrace the power of your uniqueness. You are a beautiful mosaic of quirks and oddities, each piece contributing to a masterpiece that is you. Celebrate your individuality and let it shine bright like a rare gem.
2. Allow your opinions to evolve like the flow of a river, fluid and constantly changing as you navigate the twists and turns of life. Your beliefs should not be rigid but flexible, malleable to the world around you as you gain new insights and perspectives.
3. Experience life in all its richness, savoring each moment as if it were a delicacy. Seek out new experiences that challenge your perspective, broaden your mind, and expand your understanding of the world around you.
4. Vulnerability is not a weakness, but a courageous act of strength. It takes immense bravery to ask for help and open up to others, revealing the parts of yourself that you would otherwise keep hidden.
5. Curiosity is the key to unlocking the wonders of the world. The more you ask "why," the more you'll discover the mysteries and secrets of the universe, and the deeper your understanding will grow.
6. Forge your own path, leaving behind the well-trodden trails of conventionality. Follow the beat of your own drum, and don't allow anyone else to dictate your steps.
7. Honesty is the foundation of all relationships, a cornerstone of trust that builds strong bonds between individuals. Speak your truth with kindness and compassion, and watch your relationships bloom like a garden in the springtime.
8. Find gratitude even in the darkest of times, seeking out the silver lining in every cloud. Acknowledge and appreciate the little things that bring light into your life, like the gentle touch of a loved one or the warmth of the sun on your face.
9. Let go of what no longer serves you, shedding the dead weight that drags you down and hinders your growth. Release toxic relationships, habits, and beliefs, and watch yourself soar like a bird released from its cage.
10. Build a strong support network of people who uplift, encourage, and support you. Surround yourself with those who bring out the best in you, like a loving family that offers a soft place to land in times of need.
11. Prioritize your mental and emotional well-being, recognizing that your mind and heart are just as important as your physical health. Take care of your mental health like you would your body, feeding it with positive thoughts, experiences, and relationships.
12. Embrace the discomfort of growth, stretching yourself beyond your comfort zone to cultivate new skills, knowledge, and perspectives. Like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon, you'll emerge stronger, wiser, and more beautiful than ever before.
13. Forgiveness is a gift to yourself, a healing balm that soothes the wounds of the past and frees you from the burdens of anger and resentment. Let go of grudges and anger, and watch as the weight of the world lifts from your shoulders.
14. Be mindful of your impact on the world around you, recognizing that every action you take has ripple effects that reach far beyond yourself. Each and every one of us has the power to make a difference, like a single drop of water that creates ripples across the surface of a pond.
15. Failure is not the end but merely a stepping stone to growth. Embrace your failures and use them as a learning opportunity, like a sculptor who chips away at a block of marble until they create a masterpiece.
16. Be intentional with your time and energy, investing your resources into what truly matters to you. Like a gardener tending to a garden, cultivate the things in your life that bring you joy, meaning, and purpose.
17. Connect with nature. Listen to its whispers and allow the earth to soothe and replenish your soul. Breathe in the crisp mountain air, feel the cool ocean waves caress your skin, or bask in the dappled light of a forest clearing. Find your place in the circle of life, and let nature remind you of your connection to all things.
18. Practice the art of attentive listening, delving deep to comprehend the intricacies of the voices around you. Abstain from assumptions and biases, creating a harmonious, all-embracing environment where every voice is heard and valued. Offer your sincere attention and understanding, as you expand your own understanding of the diverse world that surrounds us.
19. Be unapologetically happy. Do what brings you joy without justification, explanation, or regret.
20. Make 'No' your default. Whether it's new work projects or social gatherings, saying 'Yes' to non-priorities ruins your priorities. If it’s not a ‘f*** yes’, It’s a no.
21. We think people are paying far more attention to us than they are. Harsh truth: Your freedom begins the day you realize nobody is thinking about you.
22. The way you talk about others is the way you talk to yourself (so be kind).
23. Legacy & impact are overrated. Society values legacy and impact, but they're just illusions of control in an unpredictable universe. Our desire for immortality is driven by our ego. Instead, seek joy in your craft, a tranquil mind, and a happy home.
24. Embrace humble learning. No one is too inferior or superior to teach you something valuable. Even if you don't agree with everything, extract the gems of wisdom hidden within. Keep an open mind and discover knowledge in unexpected places.
25. Life is a journey of taking action despite fear and uncertainty. Waiting for readiness is a trap that widens the gap between knowing and doing. Embrace the unknown and take the first step, for it is in action that transformation begins.
26. Always revisit your notes & journals - whenever you’re feeling stuck and sorry for yourself, to remind how far how come you’ve come along. Take pride in yourself and all that you have accomplished.

Happy birthday to me! May each day be an opportunity to improve myself, to become a better person than I was yesterday.

Brain dump; Working to understand myself better

 - Talk about months,

- Distorted sense of time,

- Vulnerability in an open space,

- Dry throats, tightening chest, harder to breathe.

- The branding of one's self

- To become a better person than yesterday.

- Redefining purpose, trying to search for the ultimate meaning in life.

I am hesitant to write, as of right now, I feel like my writing capability has degraded over time. It is perplexing, but in the perspective of my 'current' self, I view my past selves as better writers. This maybe coincided with my habit of writing journals on a daily basis a few months ago. Yet, I had slowly ditched my habit as I could not bring myself to write anything private in my journal. Perhaps, one of the reasons was I was just lazy. Or, I was being uncomfortable writing in a space without any privacy. I need somewhere privy to write, as the location of where I write would always influence the mood and the connotation of my texts. This is the time. I need to stop making excuses for my own unacceptable behaviours. To stop from rationalising myself, when now it has become an unconscious and autonomous choice for me to enable inexcusable habits.

I am all talk but no action. Nonetheless, I realised that I am not always going to be like this. Slowly, I am taking action, little by little, step by step. It is a long process, but I know I will get there. My biggest mistake was to jump straight ahead into the cold deep water without any preparation. How can someone be so rash just like me? Simple, just be unorganised, and procrastinate all time and all day. But, I am going to change this situation of mine. Like I said, little by little.

I know my words are currently unrefined but blast it. Alas, I am just going to write whatever comes across to mind, without any care for the grammar and the punctuations. Bless Grammarly for correcting every single sentence that I had written here.

So, let us talk about how my life has been going on these past few months. To be exact four months. I would focus on the negative things first, then all the good things that had happened. The realisation hit me that I kept on highlighting all the bad things in my life rather than the neutral and the good things. I will simplify it in the following list (I put the counterarguments [CA] for the negative part).

Negative stuff:

1) Loneliness - the sense of isolation from my peers. I miss hanging out with friends.  The feeling was exacerbated when most people in my social circle were showing on social media that they were hanging out with other people.

2) Being single - same with loneliness. There were days when I craved a companion, a significant other. Thinking, it would be great to have someone whom you could love with your whole heart. This feeling rose due to a lot of my peers now being either married or engaged. It made me feel like I am going to be single forever, without ever finding my 'soulmate'. The thoughts of using dating apps had crossed my mind multiple times, and I did set up a Hinge account a few weeks ago but there was no hope in that app. The choice was limited when in Malaysia compared to Australia.

[CA]

I thought of lumping these two points together, as somehow it correlates to each other. After all, I identified them as being lonely. My mind was so focused on the fact that I did not hang out with people as much as I did, and that I did not see anyone that much to the point where I felt like I was drowning in the misery. I would say that this was a self-inflicted pain. After all, I was never truly lonely. My friends were just one call away, but I was so engrossed in my thoughts, and I was not feeling comfortable bothering them with what I was going through. To add, I am not living by myself, I am staying with my family. Life is definitely better with them, although they can get annoying sometimes, I still appreciate them. I will do anything for them. I care for them. 

3) Not having a job - I was not proactive in seeking employment in the past few months. I had just received my transcript on the 18th of May, and had just finally updated my resume a few days ago, and applied to two jobs on a whim, uploaded my application to work as a civil servant today. While doing all this stuff, it hit me that - what was I doing all this time? Life is scary. It happens without even me knowing it. My sense of time is greatly deformed, where I feel everything went as fast as the speed of light. I feel I am wasting a lot of opportunities and that I am way behind everyone else.

[CA]

A comforting thought to myself was that I had finally taken some action to my inactivity. I will keep on trying. But, I think finally, I am starting to realise what I actually want in life. What I am currently doing right now is just a formality of life. The conventional route for an average person in life. It does not mean that I am not going to have fulfilment in life. I will. I am in the process of figuring my life out, it is still not definite. But, I want to make what I have been imagining in my life be something concrete. Yes, there were dissatisfactions in my life, but life is better than it was before. I believe that everything will be okay. I will grow as a better person. I do not want to be stuck in a rut where every single quarter of the year I will make a long post like this just to condemn every aspect of my life. The more that I write this, the more that I realised how lucky and privileged I am. I have had all the time to myself for the past few months, to relax, laze around, and redefine my purpose in life. Finding a job for me is just secondary. I am content with what I currently have right now. I am blessed. Blessed with a roof over my head, a caring family, being fed enough... The time was not fully wasted, I am glad that I spent some time reading books and poetries, though some of the days I would be too preoccupied with useless kinds of stuff such as playing mobile games (Genshin Impact, Wild Rift), browsing Shopee (to waste my money time), involving myself with stupid things on Twitter. Well, at least I watched T.V. series (like anime, drama, etc) for a healthy amount of time and I rarely used social media (other than Twitter) these days.

Positive experiences:

1) Staying with my family, a roof overhead, well-fed, good relationship with my family members.

2) Reading good books and poetry (list of books that I have read can be found on Goodreads (Annysse Sophiellea - Petaling Jaya, 12, Malaysia (84 books) (goodreads.com))

My favourite titles that I have read so far  this year are:

1) Mother of Learning

2) Crying in H Mart

3) Questions for Ada

4) They both die at the end

5) The Comfort Book

6) Shoko's Smile

7) Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less

8) Man's Search for Meaning

9) The Diary of a Young Girl

3) Went for a fireflies sighting, and watched the sunset on a boat with my family. It was surreal and breathtaking! I hope to be able to do it again.

4) Watching a lot of good videos on YouTube [mostly on slow living, self-help, social commentary]

My favourite YouTube channels are:

1) Alice Cappelle 

2) Malama Life

3) Lana Blakely

4) Mina Le

 5) All the little things in life that happened.

I had been writing this for more than an hour and maybe just maybe this is the longest post that I had written so far. A reflection of the life of idleness for four months, and I meant to write longer but my shoulder and my back are hurting me. It is a quarter to five in the evening and I plan to go out to cycle around if it is no longer raining. I promise that I will write more, maybe not just here but in my journal. Let us see that one day I will post my silly poems here.

In what ways have I changed?

A question that I kept asking myself over and over again.

In what ways have I changed? After all these years?

Well, now there are two questions. In a clear cut, countless self-doubts are embedded in me, and I just do not know how to get rid of them. Perhaps, I am coping in a better way than I did before - or maybe, it was just upon innumerable repeats of the same thing, I had become a regressor in a sense but each time - I grew number. Does that make sense to you?

If you are reading my writings - all of them were just raw and honest. Almost felt like I am a master of impromptu and unpreparedness, yet deep down inside - I know I am just winging it. I am just winging in life, doing as I please - ironically, I am still unhappy. Unhappy is such a heavy word to use, the correct word shall be - ungrateful.

Gratitude.

I stare at my screen, for a long time, before actually hitting my keyboard as I was hesitant. Is gratuity is the ultimate panacea for me? If the solution is that simple, people would not go as far to post up memes related to such things with the #thanksimcured. Apparently, it can help to a certain degree. Alas, I am yet an imperfect human being who keeps on making excuses for herself, too afraid to break out from her comfort zone. My biggest fear is that - I am still juvenile with my behaviours and attitude. That I am too clouded with my own bias to the world, that I am rejecting everyone. Everything.

What a murky subject this is. 

I am at loss - of what I should be doing. A trope that is like music playing on a broken cassette again and again. At 9, I felt I was so ugly, but at the same time, feeling all so special - that I was special from any other kids. Even younger than that, I realised that I could not actually form any real connections with the other kids, whom I should call friends. Just to sum it up, I was a lonely child. Insecurities filled me up since I was young - moulding me into the person I am right now. Maybe, living with my younger cousin, whose age will be 10 this year - seeing how she acts, reminded me of my childhood. Unconsciously, I started to compare her and my younger self. It struck me that, I might reach emotional maturity earlier than her - perhaps the sense of responsibility instilled in me as the eldest had made me act like I was a grown-up. Well, I deemed that I was mature enough, but I had only realised that it was not the case.

I am still figuring things out, in the process, I neglected everything. I realised I am selfish, irresponsible - but it is definitely the time for me to own my mistakes. It is time to shoulder my responsibility. I have run away, for so long - only to keep on pinning my past and people around me for my flaws. Heh, I could not believe myself, that I was trying to make my past the scapegoat as I was writing this, that I was trying to rationalise my own incompetency just because I was so afraid to be a failure. I am quick to give up, rather than resist and put some effort - and I hate this mental prison. This time around, I will swallow the pill no matter how thorny and bitter it is - to the point that I will probably gag. I will tell myself - to never give up. Yes, I am still feeling lonely, but it is nothing but just a feeling. I still have people around me, and I am grateful for it. This feeling of detachment - seemed like it was permanent but yet just something temporary.

I am not a kind, pure, innocent soul. At times, I really feel like I belong to hell because there is no way that there will be a spot for me in heaven. Yet, I will resist.

I realised - maybe I changed a bit. I used to look for a place where I could belong because I would never fit in anywhere. That was why I was so lonely. Maybe, home is not too far from me. I accept myself for who I am, and that sense of belonging should come from within.

Hugs to my past selves.

I love you.

 

Things that I should have said to my therapist

 I know it had been a long time since my previous post. I vaguely remembered that I did not want to write anything anymore in this blog, but somehow, today - I just have the urge of telling you. Telling the world, what had been going on with my life for the past few years. To sum up, all of my half of decade of experience in just one short post will be doing it dirty. There were so many memories, although right now - it felt painful. Yet, I will still be cherishing it - no matter how hard it was for me to swallow; the fact that it is all just in the past, and to cling to the past is not a good thing. To regret. To let go of all of my regrets.

I seemed to make a lot of mistakes, and it seemed like I kept on doing it all over again. Sometimes, I felt like I was stagnating, even trapped in the quicksand, slowly sinking - the more that I struggled, the harder it was to let myself go. Well, regarding the title of this post, I just did not know what should I write. It did not feel right just to let it be empty. Retrospectively, maybe I had grown up a little - and it was just I did not notice. Breaking out from your habits, especially the harmful and bad ones ain't easy. I am pretty sure, I am still a brooding person like I was an agonised teen, young adult, but now as someone who is in her mid-twenties.

Despondency was the main theme of my life. All this while, I had been waiting to grow out from this theme, mulling it out over, ruminating on the unhappiness - almost felt like I was sabotaging myself, well maybe I did. It was just I did not have the courage of accepting things that had been happening to me, and most of it - I was just in denial. At times, I felt like I was just faking out my symptoms, or just being an exaggeration, or maybe I was just romanticising the melancholia - but, even when I got my diagnosis, I still feel like I am faking it. Even now. It is truly an abhorrence, to feel this way. Maybe it was because - of my lack of sleep? My lack of physical exercise? But, this is exhausting. Maybe this is just a bad dream? One long nightmare, that I would never be able to wake up from, not until I expire.

Fuh, I realise that this post is really dark - and I am really sorry for it. Truth to be told, I just feel the desperation, the need, the outlet, to write all the things that I am feeling right now. I want to be proud of myself, even with all of the mistakes that I have made - I want to own it up. Before I forget. I do not know what is up with the other human beings. Yet, from my own experience, I will feel shitty, and feel extremely guilty right now - but then, the feeling will subside. Mood swings are something that is not foreign to me, and I have been managing it less than perfect but it was doable. I just want to be in a state where, I am at a sense of complete peace, being able to do the things that I am expected to do. Maybe, this is what they call impostor syndrome. Sometimes, I thought that the world will be less tolerable as I am getting older - but no. It feels like it is getting harsher, and I am drowning in it.

Maybe, it will just be better - if I did not exist in anybody's life. But, the shackles of my own existence, kept me alive. Feeling like I am a nobody, but I know that I am a somebody to someone, and it is a heavy burden to shoulder. I am a daughter, an older sister, a friend, to someone. I hate the fact that I have these connections because I hate the fact that I do not fit the mould of being good in these societal roles imposed on me. I cannot escape - from the guilt, and it has been tormenting me for so long. The feeling that I will never be good enough. Pardon me, in my self-deprecating post, as I am trying to navigate my way to inner peace.

Wishing that there will be no days anymore when my throat doesn't get really dried when I get stressed. When the feeling of inadequacy started to creep in - and tears started to choke me up, and I feel breathless. The drowning feeling, that I had to force myself to keep myself afloat. The inexplicable fear and panic start to flood my mind, but I know those feelings are real and valid, yet no reason for me to act on them.

I will stride forward, to heal myself - even if it is just going to take one step at a time.

Afterthought

"It's been a long time,
I know."

I am never good at this - what I mean is having commitment; being committed in doing something. After all, I had decided to abandon this blog [I am just going to write whenever I feel like I want to].
There were a lot of things that I had wanted to write { yet, all those ideas that had popped inside my little brain \\ were all to fade away from my mind's grasp - it was annoying, truly. Here, this particular writing + comes with weird symbols out of nowhere; just consider all of these things in this entire paragraph to be a part of -hyphen-

I am not going to hide or going roundabout, I feel like I am out of touch with the sense of reality. I do not know if this is due to the attribute of being an introverted human being - the fact that I would receive less than 5 personal and private messages from my contacts.

& This is my way to deal with emptiness. I felt, am feeling empty as of now. Today's my was-once-so-called-best-friends' birthday. Somehow I feel like what is the point of wishing those who did not even remember me anymore: maybe, this is one of the main reason why I had drifted from the relationships that I had built with the people that once I had known.

ADRIFt

That is nice.

I am just not good when it comes to maintain my relationship with others. I am not going to lie to myself anymore, I do not want to enforce this fake illusion of what I want myself to become.

Who am I?

Yes, the reason why I had changed this blog's name, because I wanted to remain undetected, to be remained as an anonymous ; although there were gazillions of hints sticking out in my past entries about me [about myself]. I am a hypocrite, I accept that. I refuse to be seen by other, but I yearn for attention. That is okay, my dear self. People, this is just a self-praising post. But, I beg you, I if you to read this.. Please do not look away... Let me know that I am not alone in this; in dealing with emptiness, broken relationships __ I am sorry people** I am just a girl who wanted to be loved, but had never received the same love from others. I am not a friendly person. I look down on others. I am a horrible person.

If I am to receive the chance to reset everything; I will not. Maybe the same thing will just going to repeat 'this' cycle of endless tail chase.

i. Remember, to let go of the past.
^^even when I keep on telling myself that I am not going to dwell in the old times; often, I would find myself to be caught in the decapitating web of the past. It is hard to describe, what kind of past I have - there was nothing sketchy, traumatic _ as, sadly it was just dull. Living in the dull moment.

ii. To deal with that hole in our hearts, we better fill it with creative talents.
^^Does this rings a bell? > most of the greatest ideas are born out of the unexpected. Yes, the unexpected will always be the saviour in the end of the day. Yet, not all are lucky enough to leave marks in this world. Most of us, will just become the unimportant cogs in the wheel, well, it seems like unimportant, bland, mundane, nothing short of the ordinary, only the top 1% gets the spotlight - it hurts. That's the reality. Nonetheless, everyone is special. You live your own life. Even when you suffered a great deal - you are still lucky, we are still lucky. Even when some met with an unfitting end, that is just the bigger thing.
^^^What makes this life beautiful - is not the way that we see it as a whole; but every little moments that we experienced, even just a glimmer off hope, that is what make this life to be worth it.

_______________________________________________________

iii. Reddit;
^^this is entirely unrelated, but I want to write about Reddit here. It seems like there is alot of witty people with witty comebacks/replies, my karma was depressingly low that I could not share/post anything in some of the subreddits. Making witty comebacks/replies was never my forte. Is there any way to polish that skill?

iv. anime & manga
^^most of the time, I would watch anime [to be exact I am watching Gintama though I am putting on hold due to... manga] Currently, I am reading Bleach (now I am reading the 380++ chapter *I do not really remember what chapter I am currently in*) If you ask me about these menial stuffs, I had probably could answer but not with such great details as I feel like I am quite shallow to be frank.

POEM +that does not make sense+

tired already
it's almost dinner time
i am going to cook some noodle
going to have 'soto' for dinner tonight.

later
some writings will pop out
whenever the soul feels to;

to ease that unrest
to quench that hollow
nestling deep inside
....

3/2/2017

Today I learned that some things are better the be kept hidden in secret from the knowledge of others. Our good intentions can be easily interpreted into something malicious by others - innocent people have to take the blame even when they are not the 'perpetrators' of such acts of treachery. Slander  -someone with a good reputation can be tarnished in a nick of time.
The photograph of the yellow flowers above has no relation with whatsoever had happened today. I thought that a little garnish once in a while, will not hurt anybody, is not it? I had done a slight revamp on this blog, particularly with the colour #e38080. Pink and its hues was never my favourite then, but now - a little touch of 'femininity' would not hurt, right? Well, perhaps I might as well turn this blog into a darker theme but I am not ready yet. 
To be honest, right now I am running low on money. :'( Yes, this is very sad indeed, right? I had just gotten to know last week that my allowance money will only be deposited as early on the 23rd of February - it seems like even this nation's budget is even tighter than before as I will only receive the allowance not in the usual six months lump sum for a semester but only for a total allowance of three months. The sorriest thing is that there is a probability that the January's allowance will not be counted in the next payment! Even when I am tight on money, I just could not resist myself to splurge the little change that I have in food. The difficulty level on trying to save your money on food and drinks is just in the entirely new level especially when you are trying to eat healthy meals! The cost of a healthier meal is just outrageously exorbitant which is in contrast with junk and processed food. At the moment, I am trying to cut off my carbohydrate and sugar intake as lots of problems which associated with diabetes had shown up recently. I get excessively thirsty nowadays, and my sleeps were just restless and the feeling of thirst had woken up me from sleep. I think I had already drank more than 3 litres in the past 4 hours but strangely I just could not quench my thirst! Hopefully that I will get a good rest tonight as I have to get up early tomorrow to do revision on Mathematics! See Ya!

Thursday +Feb 2

When it comes to the introduction part in an essay, or even when it comes down to introduce myself to strangers, I am a total flake. Oh, and this is in actuality just another random entry of mine. My brain is going to explode, I can feel (metaphorically) it. I get stuffed easily to the point that I felt like I wanted to draw and colour my colouring book. Unfortunately, my colouring book was nowhere to be found, and I had to draw in lieu in such a manner of aesthetic was ignored. I have no artistic flair. My drawings were nothing short of mediocrity and grotesqueness. Every single time I drew for set up experiments in Chemistry and Physics A-Level Paper 5, my drawings looked like it was drawn by a 7 years old - no kidding.

I have not finish my revision on Chemistry for tomorrow's exam, and there is just a lot of things to by heart when you have so little time. This will serve as reminder to myself, never again, procrastinate and to work in the eleventh hour. You will reap what you have sown. Chemistry is not my strong forte and currently I am struggling with organic chemistry, especially the polymers. Well, physical chemistry has the same level difficulty as well. So, here, out of the blue, I am going to explain to you, people, about the acidity and basicity, hydrolysis of some of the organic compounds,. (The reason why I am doing this is just that I am too lazy to write on a piece of paper :P)

ClCH2COOH > CH2COOH > CH2OH

1>2>3

More acidic to the least

• 1 (higher Ka value) due to the presence of CL (electron-withdrawing).
• More stable. Does not form back to undissociate molecule.
• 3 (lower Ka value) due to presence of OH (electron-donating)
• Becomes more unstable. More like to form back with H+.

As for the rest, I have changed my mind, sorry! I am going to write in on my notebook first, then perhaps I will edit this post later on!

See Ya!

Regrets

When you are getting older, there are going to be loads of responsibility to be shouldered and of course, the more you lamented over the things you had done and never did. The thing is, that elephantine bulky thing that is going to befuddle your mind - the grievance over the things you had the chance to do, but you did not, then you did not have the means to do it anymore. Often, I would be feeling like I had messed up with my life, big time. I would yearn for a reset button to relive my life again.

I am going to be 20, soon. Nonetheless, I am unsure if I am 'adulting' right or not. In South Korea, this year, I am supposed to be 21, well, age is just a number, not a factor towards sagaciousness and wisdom. I still think that I am a little girl, but not that little, being independent in her own way. I am still that sensitive and insensitive girl who has her own roller-coaster of emotions. I am still that temperamental, awkward person when it comes to social interaction with another human beings. Strangely, I feel so old yet so young. A transition towards being a twenty-something person from something-teen person definitely a contradiction in my mind and feelings. Reality hits hard, it is difficult to accept that I have been walking on this Earth for almost two decades. It's crazy! Insane! I want to go back in time, just being a five years old me, or being a four years old. If some people identified themselves with different genders from what they were born with, then perhaps I have this (age) identity disorder where I think I am still someone who is a fourteen years old teenager when I am an adolescent in her late teen.

I had been up way past my usual sleeping time, I was supposed to sleep early as I am going to sit for pre-mock IELTS exam in the morning. However, reading through some of my old drafted and posted entries had made me insomniac. Somehow, I could feel myself in ablaze, fiery with passion to write again. Perhaps, I will write more often from now on. See ya!

It's rubbish anyway

It's already October. I was away for 5 months without any apparent reasons, I never feel the calling to write anything in this blog - like who cares, right? This is one of the saddest reality of our world, it is an innate characteristic that most of us may or not unaware of - selfishness. Also, most of us will pretend to care or really pay attention to something, however most of us a very short attentive span. At one time, we may care for someone, then next moment, we will just forget about that person in an entirety unless that person is someone whom we are closed to. Talking about selfishness, once, I asked a very good friend of mine, if she saw herself as a selfish person or not. She was one of the most neutral person ever I have met in my life, she is quite likeable. Nonetheless, there are times that she was an irksome to me. Sometimes, I would pretend to ignore her, to see how she would react, if she would think of me as one of her good friend as well, but, nah, I am just another name in her list of acquaintance or the very most, I am just her normal companion. I am a very temperamental person, I have drastic mood changes, from one time, I could be a mopey person, but then in the next moment, I would feel like I own this world - but I am not.

"Uranus (not her real name), do you think you are a selfish person?" I asked my friend.
"No." She answered.
Of course, she would deny that she is a self-centred person, and I had known that myself that she is never the one who would always put herself against another human being/living thing. However, I replied to her answer.
"If you are not a selfish person, why would you be here right now? Should not you do something else to help others? Don't you feel guilty with the privileges that you have right now? The fact that you are very much alive and well but some people out there are suffering, and all we can do is just to sympathise with them, and we all move on with our own lives. If someone is really an altruist, he/she would never think twice to even sacrifice his/her life for the good of the world."

We all need to be selfish, in fact, if we are not selfish, we will not be able to be born to this world.
This is the reason why - (READ THIS)! https://www.quora.com/What-is-the-evolutionary-benefit-or-purpose-of-having-periods

We are born selfish, but it does not mean that we can always be selfish. However, too much altruism is not good either. It will be perfect to have both characteristic where our selflessness overwhelm our egocentrism.

IT'S MAY

As usual, I would have a lot of things to say, to write, before I was going to eventually hit the keyboard. And as usual, I really would not have anything left to say when I was finally sitting in front of the desktop. Things were just mild during my brief hiatus - there is nothing worth mentioning for the moment.

It's already the 3rd of May, in less than a few hours it's going to be the 4th of May and I am going to sit for an exam that is going to decide my future - and I am not even ready. I am scared. The most important thing is that - tomorrow I am going to have Maths and Chemistry. I thought I would be prepared but it turns out I was/am dead wrong.

"AKU CUAK WEI" this is what Malay people would probably say if they are in my shoe.

I am so afraid that I am going to do my worst for tomorrow's papers. Those Maths and Chemistry papers carry an immensely heavy weightage of percentage, and now I have a lot of regrets already. I don't even know if my result will satisfy the cut-off points.

I want to do revision of chemistry and Maths but it seems that I have reached my limit and I am writing this to clear up my head.

:) You can do it myself, take a deep breath. Don't sweat it out.